Bitterness Warms Me.

What are you people cheering for ???

2009-07-22T00:45:00.000-07:00

What are you people cheering about?????

Recreational soccer season is rapidly approaching. Parents will be descending in masses upon school fields to watch their precious angels make a mockery of the greatest game on earth. They will bring their “Easyups” and Umbrellas… They will sit in chairs that come in bags, and cling to obscenely overpriced, huge cups of coffee like it is medicine that protects them from Ebola. Some will complain about the length of the 60-80 minute game and how it is infringing on their gym time, bike time, yard work time, … The people who won’t be complaining though are the parents who just finished “Swim team” . These zombies have just spent the last 3 months watching paint dry and spending all Saturday starting at 7am to do it.

The season will start with parents bringing kids to practice. It would be great if they just brought them to practice but they bring them and then stay and watch. Parents … unless you are going to lace up a pair cleats and step on the field go home, go shopping, go to the gym, go visit a friend, go have a third $4.00 cup of coffee for the day while your kid is playing in plastic crappy cleats. Oh.. I can hear some of you saying who haven’t cut the cord yet protesting about not wanting to leave your child unprotected with some stranger… Note these are the same people who never get involved with any boards, never get the know the coach, and do so on purpose so that they can rationalize their compulsive hovering.

Let me tell you what happens when you actually leave and go away. Your child gets the holy crap knocked out them by other players , they get pushed to their limit by their coaches, they get yelled at and get in trouble and when they don’t have mommy or daddy to look over to and get mentally and emotionally stroked they actually start to grow and mature as people and players.

So after a month of practices will come game time. Now before some of you go to even one game please take a moment and think about what you are going to cheer for. I am going to bring a huge canister of bear spray… which according to my parents who in some freakish accident, that nearly makes me lose control of my bladder every time I think of it, can attest bear spray feels like someone has put shards of glass into your eyes and throat. I am going to take this bear spray and shoot in to the faces of fans who cheer when some kid just kicks the ball hard for no reason what-so-ever and it goes really far. This happens year after year at fields all over the United States. Some kid will “trap” a ball (nothing from the crowd), slot a thru pass (nothing from the crowd), shield an opponent from the ball (nothing from the crowd) , make a run, play the ball to open space, mark a player streaking to the back post, (nothing, nothing, and nothing from the crowd) But as soon as that ball goes flying far off some kids foot the crowd erupts with a chorus of wooo hoos and yaya’s . And it’s not cheering because little Billy appropriately cleared the ball. It’s because it went high and far even though Billy should of just controlled the ball and pushed it wide to his open team mate.

I wonder if these are the same people who go to a school concert and if some kid in the middle of some “opus number 5” , or “concerto of the lilies” just blasts out a long sustained G note for no apparent reason whatsoever, that these parents then lose their minds and just jump out of their seats and start “wooo hoooing” and yelling “good note Billy !!!!” . It won’t matter that Billy should of perhaps just strung together some softer notes that fit into the piece of music. No, these people will go to McDonalds after a disaster of a concert and while Billy is cramming fries into his face will praise Billy for his one or two good blasted notes . “It’s ok that your band lost the concert, you had some really good blasted notes” …. “ you are really improving and getting better”… “ I don’t know why the director only lets you play half the songs and keeps you in the back”…. “he always playing his own kid in the front and his son plays all the songs”.

So while you may not know everything about the game of soccer you now at least know that you need to think about what you are cheering for. You also can now watch a coach in amusement for when some kid starts to mindless kick the ball down the field. If the coach looks like they are going to lose their minds and give off the vibe that want to use a taser on their players when they just randomly kick a ball then you know you may have a good coach. If the coach just cheers because the ball went far… Then good luck and may the end of the year party where everyone gets a trophy even if they came in last place come quickly for you… By then it’s nearly Christmas, then.. new years,.. spring break… and after that swim team is right around the corner.

Nose, Neck, and Ears....

2009-02-10T00:21:00.000-08:00

Nose, Ears, Neck.

What do they all have in common? Yes it is true they are all parts of animals that have found their way into hot dogs but that is not why they are a topic of today’s discussion. No today the nose, neck, and ears are going to be the focus because they are the places where an alarming number of men seem to think that hair should grow freely.

First of all the neck… Don’t you love it when some chap takes the time to quaff his hair just so, maybe even getting the gray out or highlighting some sun in and then you sit behind this same gomer and have to stare at his furry neck. Hair going every which way. You know why it does that don’t you? Well there are two schools of thought. One school says that the hair is just confused. It knows it shouldn’t be there and with no real direction it just wanders. The second school of thought and the one I believe in is that the hair is just pissed. It knows it shouldn’t be there and now just wants to make a statement in hopes that the Dr. Zaius wannabe whose neck it’s riding on will set it free to float down a drain like the hairs of normal men all over the world.

Next is the ears … Good night… Some of you people have no pride what so ever. You know what before I go any further I just want to say that if you are over the age of 85 and it looks like you have a caterpillar living in your ear its ok… I get it. You’ve given up. You have fought the good fight and now in the dying moments you have just said, “Screw it … my ears are theland of Cheshire so beware of the cat and the caterpillar”. But for the rest of you… If you are sitting in Denny’s and I come up and vomit right onto your grand slam, know that it isn’t because they are suddenly under cooking the sausage. It’s because I’ve looked over and have seen that you have a forest in your ear that flying monkeys couldn’t navigate through and that my voluminous amount of yak is just may way of saying I’ve seen enough.

Lastly the nose… Guys with crazy nose hairs are just flat out lazy pansy cowards. There are those of you who can lie to yourself and say that you don’t see anything. But the nose… It’s right there … On some people it’s there most prominent feature…. You can’t even claim that you don’t know that your nose has hair in it because every male over the age of 8 has at some time been digging for gold and has accidently ripped free about 3 deep nose hairs that then caused an immediate discharge of no less than 3-5 tears. With those tears also comes a sense of pride and wonderment as the nugget emerges and the man stares at the treasure much like John Hammond stared at nuggets of Paleozoic amber with a mosquito in it. Hammond should have followed his primal instinct as he looked upon those nuggets and just should have rolled the mosquito filled amber up into little balls and flicked them out the window of his car. But that’s not much of a movie is it?

No the nose and its creepers that start to appear are the true test. If you go diving right in with little scissors you can end up gouging some vital membranes which leads to an infection and so on… So some men get scared and leave them… Most give them a snip but think that it’s done on the same schedule as getting a tetanus shot. Some will take care of it like they do their yard. Just knocking down the big weeds and letting the fringes take care of themselves. Ya that's gross too. Dare I say man up and use some tweezers, but that’s exactly what is needed. Rip those things and quit being an embarrassment to your wife and kids.

Now there are some side issues that involve dudes with mono –brows and dudes with crazy fast growing loner eye brows that you can’t tell me you don’t see curling up and trying to scratch your own eyeball, but those issues are minor in compared to the Nose, Neck, and Ears.

With all of this said I think in bringing up this topic I have done my duty for the year… and wives don’t act so innocent. You see some of these abominations and you sit there and say nothing… Just know this…. just because you don’t say anything about his Nose, Neck, and Ears doesn’t mean that he and everyone else isn’t aware your mustache and man hair on your various limbs and digits.

They say it is for the good of the child ... until...

2009-02-04T19:13:00.000-08:00

There is an interesting thing that happens each spring... Little league baseball begins. This means that every ultra competative takes a break from playing in some drunken city league athletic team to coach there kids team.

What is most amusing is that these people who then take up postions on the Little League Board and fill coaching positions actually start to believe some of the stuff they are saying and actually think that we the common people don't see throw their mind numbing policies and blather.

What I think I love most is when someone on the Little League board says, " we are doing this for the good of the child because every kid should be able to play ball"

So here you have a number of no-talent kids who they always let play in a division higher than they have talent for and its for the good of the child. Well it may be ...

But... yes there is always a but.. As soon as you get some a child whos parents are socially and emotionally challenged the Board wants to refund their money and send that child and his parents on their way. How is that course of action " for the good of the child?"

I appreciate the people who want to volunteer to make soccer clubs, and little leagues work, but please people take your positions seriously and quit doing the jobs half #$$ed . If your position is to things for the "good of the child" then exaust all posibilities before sending a child out of a league because of the actions of thier parents.

I preffer to take the position of " what is good for the game" .. Is it good to have horrible little daisy pickers and dust kickers out their taking up space and being a sure out in the bottom of my batting order. NO.... Send them to another division or give them their money back and let them play Magic the Gathering and video games. Why.. because it is for the "Good of the game" . If mom and or dad is a psycho and they are constantly complaining and causing some type of drama... then cut them a check and send them off to pound a few cold ones down and bowl or line dance or what ever they do.. Why? "For the good of the Game" .

Which brings me to the next and last point.... If there is a chance you can get a player on your team who is a great pitcher but his parents are causing problems for the league and they are kind of loud.... Well then I say "do what is good for child" and let them play on my team, because I will tell them shut their pie hole so we can more effectively use thier kids pitching talent.. Which... is... "Good for the game" .

So it begins...

2008-09-04T23:11:00.000-07:00

So it appears that Jill and I are the only two people who don't blog.. We take pride in that to be quite honest. But, clearly there has to be some value to it or otherwise there wouldn't be so many people doing it. I tend to think that perhaps this is some type of next generation of journal keeping/therapy/voyeuristic endeavor.

In reviewing so many other blogs I can only hope that my blog has both the beauty and content that will keep people wondering the same thing I wonder after stumbling upon a dear friend's blog and that being, "what the heck do you do all day?" and "Do you really think that it is interesting or are you just bored?"

I would worry that I offended someone with that statement but half of you have thought those things as well and the other half are in what I like to call.. "My blog doesn't blow" denial.

Well I am not sure how long my attention deficit something or another will allow me to keep this up but note this... it won't blow. Seriously it won't... and that's not denial talking.